Smells like Boxer

How about we address her as "disrespectful cunt" since she's apparently "worked so hard to get that title," as well?

Pirates Charles in Hollywood.

i was pleased to interrupt my literary toil Saturday for several pints of Newcastle at KPK with Sev and Alex. Sean D. and his splendid wench stopped by well behind in their drinking and anxious to catch up. Sean wrote the splendid article about the Revenge cruise in the current Pirates Magazine. He also recently left Fangoria and is now writing for Dread Central.
After a moment of liquor-fueled nonversation Sev and i had to rush the ten blocks up Hollywood Blvd. to the Knitting Factory for the Pirates Charles show. 
The band started early (!) and hence played even longer than the hour we were promised. The 'Talderoy' song seems to evolve each time they play it and has truly become an EPIC anthem of badassness. If PC are the Zeppelin of pirate rock then 'Talderoy' is their 'Kashmir'. It's a very few bands could come up with such lyrics as: "He's laid so many maidens, He's the father of mankind..." 
Their encore was the smooth drunken "Patty Lay Back', which i was pleased to find included on their new CD.
Spoo, Fiddley, Mast, Deedle, Tor, David Gale, and Harpoon all lingered about afterward for imbibage and photo-ops and to pick-pocket beer money from their groupies. Good to see Flip and his camera (doesn't he have enough pictures of this band yet?). Gil (the eighth Pirate Charles) and Mariah were suspiciously sober, which worried me immensely. Oh yes, and i remembered my camera this time so prepare for yer eyes to BLEED from the excellence.
Staggered back to the flat by midnight to resume work on 'Art of Revenge'.

And now you know....... NOTHING.

Godspeed.

Write me. i might answer.

Pirate,

I have to take a drug test for a new job I might get. I heard that Tom Sizemore used a sack of clean urine and a dildo to try to pass a drug test. Should I try this? Will it actually work? I don't want to stop using drugs only to not be hired anyway. I realize it didn't work for Tom Sizemore and he got arrested but I figure that's just because he was stupid, being an actor and all. Please advise. -B.H.O.

B.H.O,

No, idiot, it won't work. You'll be searched for things like an extra-corporeal urine supply before they hand you your cup and send you to the water closet. But God forbid you have to waste a few weeks not being on drugs just so you can pass a drug test. So try bribery instead, that's always effective when dealing with righteous, pushy assholes who work at drug-test facilities. They have no scruples. To hell with them. Use xerox copies of dollar bills for your bribe, they'll be too stupid to know the difference.

By the way: at the time of his arrest Tom Sizemore was entirely clean and drug-free. But he does, unfortunately, have an extremely small penis which is why he was wearing that prosthetic. When he was busted with the dildo in his pants he simply made up the story about using it to cheat on a  drug test because he felt that the resulting media coverage of his apparent drug-addiction would be less humuliating than headlines proclaiming his micropenile condition. And Tom Sizemore is not his real name. He changed it in an earlier attempt to compensate for his condition after a british prostitute tactlessly informed him: "Your thomas is almost sizeless." Whores really need to keep things to themselves, remember, that's how al Qaeda started.

Splashdown.

Herein' i shall blog for my grog.