I have to take a drug test for a new job I might get. I heard that Tom Sizemore used a sack of clean urine and a dildo to try to pass a drug test. Should I try this? Will it actually work? I don't want to stop using drugs only to not be hired anyway. I realize it didn't work for Tom Sizemore and he got arrested but I figure that's just because he was stupid, being an actor and all. Please advise. -B.H.O.
B.H.O,
No, idiot, it won't work. You'll be searched for things like an extra-corporeal urine supply before they hand you your cup and send you to the water closet. But God forbid you have to waste a few weeks not being on drugs just so you can pass a drug test. So try bribery instead, that's always effective when dealing with righteous, pushy assholes who work at drug-test facilities. They have no scruples. To hell with them. Use xerox copies of dollar bills for your bribe, they'll be too stupid to know the difference.
By the way: at the time of his arrest Tom Sizemore was entirely clean and drug-free. But he does, unfortunately, have an extremely small penis which is why he was wearing that prosthetic. When he was busted with the dildo in his pants he simply made up the story about using it to cheat on a drug test because he felt that the resulting media coverage of his apparent drug-addiction would be less humuliating than headlines proclaiming his micropenile condition. And Tom Sizemore is not his real name. He changed it in an earlier attempt to compensate for his condition after a british prostitute tactlessly informed him: "Your thomas is almost sizeless." Whores really need to keep things to themselves, remember, that's how al Qaeda started.
